I just need to make it till Wednesday. Until then I’ll be be getting sleep whenever I can.

Sometimes it is hard not to be disappointed in yourself.

For the longest time, I have always been the stable one keeping my composure. But now graduate school is getting real. The classes are still the same, but the clear path that I had in my head a week ago has been completely broken. I have no clue when I am going to graduate again. When I found out i was my mind was all over the place, and there was a sickening feeling in my stomach. Pretty much my body knew I fucked up.

I managed to pick myself up and get back on track. I had to reschedule all my classes and I have to take a quarter off from work. Or quit if my boss won’t allow it.

When you do bad in life, it is hard to enjoy the things that you want to. If you eat out, you feel like you don’t deserve it. If you buy something, you second guess yourself. The idea of it is stupid. Why punish yourself more when you aren’t already feeling well? As long as you are living within your means, you are allowed to have fun. If there is a weakness, make changes to fix it, but only relevant changes.

My mind has kinda been shut down, but if I stay in this state I will fall behind in life. My mind is more clear now that I’ve laid out my ideas and thoughts in words. I want to be better. I will be better. I will become the best that I can.

I don’t get how people can argue about something off topic for so long. I want to just lay the smack down on people in my class.

IU: “stay strong”

Sometimes when you are alone for the whole day you kinda feel empty. I think my studying is getting to me. Eventually I will break out of this phase and once again be with people. Next quarter I will make a bigger effort to meet people, I can’t let being a grad student limit my social life. I just need to take this final. 2 days left to study. I am about 1/5 of the way there? IU will give me strength!

Finals and Final Project deadlines are coming up. Gotta stay strong.

Meh, my head is in a little bit of mess right now. I napped too much, and too much of nothing. This is what happens when you go home. it is just so hard to concentrate. I will just rest now and go back to Davis early so I can get some things done. it is a lot easier to do things on a 24 inch screen w/ windows 7. Laptops just don’t cut it for me. Hopefully I won’t play anymore tetris either when I go back to my apartment.

I think I have gotten good at leaving a good impression with people. Yesterday I was walking with my classmate and she said that no matter what I do, I will be successful. She told me I was smart, she could really see it in me. But I told her what she saw in me doesn’t really translate into good grades. 

If you think about it, she sees this in me because I work hard to find things for our group project. When she needs help with her homework assignment or paper, I offer to help check her grammar since english isn’t her first language. I am able to explain complicated things to her in a simpler way that she can understand.

When I think about these things, do I do these so people will like me? Or do people like me because I do these things?

I am sure at a time when I was little, we all never liked to do things for others. We were all selfish. I remember I always wanted to play video games, I didn’t want to take turns, I wanted toys, I had no concept of money or how others felt. Over time, good habits are drilled into you by teachers, family, and friends. If you watch children programming, they teach you to be righteous and do things for the greater good. I wanted to be the hero, the person people look up to. When I was younger, I though if you’re nice to a girl, always did what was right, you’d get her in the end. It was classic nice guys finish last. As I got older, I messed around with girls more, I teased them. But in the end, that screwed me up too. I was giving a hard time to people that I liked, and they just drifted away. Then there is the whole commitment and picky-ness aspect to finding someone but that is a whole nother story.

I guess it is hard to quantify how people see you. It is hard to quantify how smart you are when it comes to applying what you know. My grades have never been amazing. I have always been slightly above average in classes that I value. But when it comes to applying my knowledge or working hard, I can excel at those.

I guess when you think about it, when it comes to anything outside of school, how you portray yourself is who you are? If I do things to make people think I am smart, then I should be smart right? If I go to work, do things people tell me to do and present my work in an appealing way, I do good work.

The skills that I have or have acquired, they are all are appealing traits. Cooking, playing musical instruments, drawing, playing sports… they’re all good things right? I used to think that I started doing these things because it was appealing to others, but now that I think about it, I did these things because I truly enjoy them. I have to keep this in mind the next time I start to doubt myself.

I cook so I can eat the things I love eat. I play instruments so I can hear the things I love to hear. I draw… well I draw so I can let my imagination run free. I play sports to feel the adrenaline, to interact with others, and to kick ass… lol. Well when I do well.

Well my job is done. My rant is complete. Time to go back to school work.

You have been given a 120 page reading assignment. Tomorrow you will have to show up to your professors office to be drilled with questions for 10 to 15 minutes. Amazingly you were able to finish all of it by 12:45 am. You celebrated by eating flaming hot cheetos but you feel like you have more time to do something. You can either…

a) eat more cheetos and get a stomach ache
b) study more
c) review the reading
d) play starcraft
e) sleep 

Answer: Keep going on tumblr and shop online for a bday gift to myself.

Alternate Answer: I choose you! Pikachu!

Life is going pretty well =] Just this class is killing me. I will update after I survive the storm of quizzes, group projects, papers and a crazy prof.

Please no more.

Today was a pretty good day overall. I took today off from work to catch up on school and on sleep. I actually woke up past 11, but considering I went to sleep at 2 am that is not too bad. After going to office hours and finishing some problems I went to badminton. I really hate playing with this one guy. I don’t mind if you’re bad, or if you’re really good. I really don’t care even if you smack me in the face with a birdie as long as you have a good attitude towards the game.

I just can’t play with this guy… his rotation is bad, but the thing is he blames me for when he is out of place. If I don’t match his style, then he gets mad. The thing is, he plays like a single player, but is lazy. The look on his face when we lose a point is frustrating. He gives you this look like you don’t know what you’re doing and you’re the worst player ever. Then he laughs condescendingly as if you’re losing the entire game. We won both games, but I just had to get the hell out of there, and I told him I needed to take a break so he could play with his friend. He didn’t hesitate to say okay. It makes me so bitter! But I had some better games later. I just don’t like how I played since I had to wear glasses because I ripped my contacts. I am also slow and stiff from working out yesterday.

I think grad school is starting to get a little better. I am getting a slight grasp on my classes, I just had a horrible time differentiating simple equations. I am faced with so many hard things to differentiate, and they have multiple variables, but when it comes to a simple chain rule, I over think it and stress myself out.

Just gotta relax and listen to some nice music. I’ll see what I have.